ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
