My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
