Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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