when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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