Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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