I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
