I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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