btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
