i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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