Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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