youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
