Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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