Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize