so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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