and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
