The maid of honor just puked.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
