East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
