If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
