Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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