Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
