I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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