Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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