please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
