More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
