how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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