i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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