WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
