Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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