It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize