I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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