Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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