your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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