People in love make me want to vomit
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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