I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
