Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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