I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can text with my tongue
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
