my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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