She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In other news, I just burned my penis
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
