I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
