Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
