I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
