so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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