My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
