Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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