Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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