mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
