I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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