man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im holly from the hills drunk
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
