The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize