All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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