My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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