I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
