If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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