and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
