I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
