The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
