Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
