Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
