The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
