I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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