Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
