Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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