Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize