I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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