i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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