I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
