You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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