Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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