god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
